I wrote this post several weeks ago and then tucked it away, too embarrassed to put it out there. It was a hard day--a humbling day--and for those reasons, a day that was hard to look back on.
I think we sometimes put up the “All’s Well” front around family and friends—even on our blogs—because its easier than putting our faults, insecurities and failures out there for the world to see. For all the love and support that can come from these outlets, the criticism and scrutiny can be cruel and unforgiving.
But last night at Enrichment meeting I was inspired to do better, to be better and to never stop trying to be like our Heavenly Father. I’ve tried to delete this post several times, but never have been able to do it. And I wonder now if the reason may be that it’s important to be honest—especially with ourselves—about where we are and where we fall short. To acknowledge that “I was here today,” even if today sucked.
And so this post, in all it’s unflattering glory, goes up as a piece of my life and my journey towards becoming more perfected in Christ. And with this post, the hope that I’m not the only who’s ever been in this place, too.
Mr. Nasty
Do you remember that scene in You’ve Got Mail when Joe Fox runs into Kathleen Kelly at a dinner party and is an absolute jerk? That night he laments in his email,
“Do you ever wonder if you’ve become the worst version of yourself? …. Someone provokes you and instead of walking away, you zing them. ‘Hello. It’s Mr. Nasty.’”
Tonight as I sit here typing on my computer, I can’t help but wonder the same thing:
Have I become the worst version of myself, and was it really oatmeal that brought it out of me?
Today did not start well. I was upset about something that had happened in the morning and was letting it eat at me. I knew that I needed to resolve the matter, but I didn’t, and so my frustration mounted. By mid-morning I was snapping at the kids, knowing full well that it wasn’t their fault. It was mine. I was projecting my anger on them and it wasn’t fair.
So when the kids got into a fifty pound bag of oatmeal and scattered it up and down the stairs, I had had it. I yelled and screamed, angrily banishing them to their bedrooms for naps and time outs as I flopped down on the couch. In the privacy of my oatmeal covered living room, I lost it. Hot tears rolled down my cheeks as I buried my face in lap and cried tired, worn out sobs.
I was upset and frustrated and mad as hell, but as the minutes passes, it was less and less about the kids and the day and mess. It was about me, and the way I had acted. Through sniffles I ran back through the morning in my mind and saw all of the things I should have done, should have said, should have tried to change. The long string of “Whys?” tumbled out as I stared blankly at the row of family photo albums on the book shelf.
Why did I let a stupid problem fester all morning?
Why didn’t I recognize the funk I was in and just load up the kids for a quick pop run or drive around the block so that everyone could chill out?
Why couldn’t I remember that messes and wasted food storage are par for the course in this house, and try and find the humor and irony in yet another oatmeal disaster?
As the rush of anger and frustration slowly bled away in the stillness of that room, a new emotion settled over me. I was …
… disappointed.
so totally, completely disappointed in myself. Disappointed that I could take out my angry mood on those around me. Disappointed that my kids didn’t get to be around the mom they deserved. Disappointed that I hadn’t been the mother that the Lord wanted me to be.
It was almost as if I could hear him say to me what I say to my kids every time I’m disappointed in them:
You know better.
Too ashamed at that moment to pray or ask for forgiveness, I drug out the shop vac and hoped that it wouldn’t meet the same fate as our previous shop vac that perished in a similar oatmeal fiasco back in ‘07. I spent the next half hour sweeping up piles of spilled oatmeal and vacuuming up the remaining dust, all the while seeing Joe Fox in my head.
“Do you ever feel like you’ve become the worst version of yourself ...?”
The rest of the day was markedly different. Sure it was quieter, the kids more mellow, and dinner time pleasant. But the big change was the feeling in my heart and in my home: I felt numb and the house felt empty. I was painfully aware that the Spirit had withdrawn and that I had been left on my own. Instead of inviting the Spirit to abide and protect, I had driven it away with contention.
And so I’m up late, unable to sleep, trying to process the thoughts and impressions that keep running through my mind. I don’t really know where I’m going with this, other than to say that despite how miserable “alone” feels right now, I do know that morning will come, and with it, the chance once again to plead in prayer for forgiveness, patience and wisdom …
…the chance to start over and invite the Spirit to be my constant companion and guide …
… the chance to be with my kids and to love them, and do all the things with them that makes me love this job …
… and the chance to hopefully become a better version of myself.
8 comments:
I am so sorry you had such a bad day :( I really hope that today is better for you! *HUG*
you know there is only one thing you can do to ever make the Spirit leave you, even when it feels like you have been left... and you sure haven't done that. instead you just made a mistake, it feels bad, it's a learning, growing moment. you'll do it differently next time 'cause you examined it, allowed god to be in it and you will heal, your kids will be fine and God will be glorified.
thank you for your brave candor and bless you.
Its always refreshing to find yet another parent who isn't perfect. We've all had those days when we do or say things we later regret. The best thing to do is ask your kids for forgiveness, and apologize to them. You'd be surprised how quickly they get over it, and they see that you're human too and make mistakes just like them. We all have things we aren't proud of doing, but instead of it becoming a memory that kids will never forget, it simply gets forgotten when forgiveness is asked. Welcome to the "real world" of parenting, glad to see you made it here in one piece. BTW I laugh my butt off each time I read about your darlings and their escapades, and I'm a complete stranger to you. God will continue to bless you, and will never forsake you, just keep praying for the good fight. He is always there for you! You are doing the hardest job there is, and if you think that it has to be perfect to be accepted, you're wrong. God only expects us to do our best each day, and will bouy us up in our time of need. God's blessings to you! P.S. You've Got Mail is one of my top 5 favorite movies, I could recite it if necessary, great visual.
Man, oh man Nike, thanks for posting this, this is pretty much my everyday life and by the end of the day I am just a numb blob sitting in a corner or lying in fetal position in the closet to escape the messes or the fighting or just the loudness! Hehehe I just keep telling myself, "it will get better". And it will. Somedays are just like that and what doesn't kill us will make us stronger right? Heavenly Father must really love you because he gives you so many trials right? You're being purified! :)
I just wanted to let you know that I've been there and you aren't alone. Thank you for the post.
That was very touching. Thanks for being brave enough to share and in doing so bless the lives of those who read it. Even though we may not be perfect Mothers, I think our love for our children are. It is the hardest and yet most rewarding job out there. And it is nice to know that there are other moms out there doing the best they can.
Oh Nike you sweetheart! You are SO not alone. We all lose it now and again. I truly cannot imagine how I would act if Madison had done that?! Probably alot worse! Don't be so hard on yourself. Enough to be better, but just know that we've all been there. I love you! (and your blog! )
I know this is an old post, but, hey! i just got here! Thank you for this post, Nike! I SOOO needed it! You made me cry! i have had way more of these type of experiences than I would really care to count ( I'm remembering my son and on of my kids I used to tend, sitting/hiding under the table with the ONLY juf of milk and dumping the Nestle's quik mix into it with a spoon. IT WAS EVERYWHERE. The baby was there too, covered in chocolate. So much for Mama taking a much needed potty break. lol) Kids will be kids, and we're here to teach them to BECOME adults. It doesn't happen overnight. Thank Goodness! If it did we would miss out on all these experiences that they (and we!) learn from. I too have to remind myself constantly that I have the responsibility of coming down to their "level" and saying I'm sorry, I screwed up, Please forgive me. Thank you for your honesty in having a bad day....we all have bad days. We just have to make the choice to turn those days into better days ;)
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