Greetings this fine Thursday morning afternoon from
The Dirty Half Dozen
who have been officially
for a particularly high number of Family Code offenses this week. In no particular order I present the charges filed against against …
SEANRY
who was cited for destruction of an office supply item outside of an approved office supply zone AND for expertly weaseling out of the newly passed Go Pick Up The Mess You Made In Your Sisters Room ordinance …
… and from …
KADESTER
who was busted for three offenses to Family Code, Title 98: Kitchen Procedures for 1) failure to consume all liquids (including melted popsicles) in an approved, open container; 2) use of Fiskars without a permit; and 3) for desecration of an eating surface …
… and from …
DYLAN
who violated Family Code 141.23.58a:
All items placed by The Mom in the garbage shall remain in the garbage and shall not, under any circumstances, be removed without prior written consent.
and Family Code 137.25.01c:
No person shall touch the sacred School Supply stockpile. Only The Mom shall have such privileges no matter how bright and shiny all those boxes of new crayons look.
(Listen, Dylan. I know your SpongeBob video has instructions at the end on how to make your own Mr. SquarePants. And yes, I know that jamming your brand new crayons into that nasty, disgusting sponge looks just like SpongeBob. But dude … that sponge has fur on it. FUR …)
… and from …
SAVANNAH and her friend E
who violated the Only Thirteen Bags of Chips and Candy Per Person Per Hour statute at the ward picnic after repeated warnings by both parental and ecclesiastical authorities.
Incidentally, Savannah and E also win this week’s Dumb Criminal Award for not being smart enough to lie about sneaking into more Cheetos and candy without wiping their faces off on the backs of their sleeves …
… and from …
ASHY
who also was cited FOUR times this week for violating portions of Family Code, Title 137: Treatment and Storage of Stockpile Items, which states in part:
No person shall willfully waste any of The Mom’s “good” coupon finds from the communal bathroom stockpile closet.
(Seriously Ash? You couldn’t just take out one of the gazillions of stinky PERT 2-in-1 or Walgreens body wash that I got for free? You owe me a new Pantene Texturize Shampoo, Old Spice Men’s Body Wash and two bottles of Olay Quench. The big ones …)
… and from …
CAMERON
who was brought down by failure to adhere to Family Code 145.09.8c:
No person shall knowingly impersonate any film, tv or theatre character while using any household craft, cleaning or repair supplies.
(Eww. Bud, I want my clothespins back and I want them scrubbed. Oh … and yes ‘You look totally like SHREK.’)
… and finally from …
TDHD’s DAD aka HUBS
whose legal team submitted this picture during his required court appearance for his 1000th violation of Family Code 65.23.88a:
Head of Household is required to turn off all recordings, transmissions or webcasts of FoxSports, ESPN (all of them) or any like-minded sporting channel, article or program when The Wife is trying to ‘talk schedule.’ Actual listening or paying attention is optional; only the appearance of courtesy is required.
They tried to argue that this photo conclusively proves that Hubs listens to all comments by The Wife, all the time, with ears cupped a la Horton the Elephant so that every precious syllable from The Wife is captured in studio clarity.
Uh huh.
Judge didn’t buy it. :)
Now go enjoy your weekend!
~Nike
2 comments:
Hilarious! Miss you all...
Oh Mackenzie took my word. But it's so perfect that I'll use it again -twice even (in caps). HILARIOUS. HILARIOUS. However, since we also have six children at our house - I'm guessing you were not thinking hilarious at those particular moments.
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